Prayers and Little Women

“Women, they have minds and they have souls as well as just hearts. And they've got ambition and they've got talent as well as just beauty, and I'm so sick of people saying that love is just all a woman is fit for. I'm so sick of it! But... I am so lonely.” -Jo March, Little Women (2019)

     In case there’s any doubt, let me start off this devotion by saying: yes, I did go see the new Little Women movie. Yes, I did love it. And yes, I did cry for about 40 straight minutes and had to use a scarf as a tissue because I thought I was emotionally prepared enough for the “plot twist” I knew was coming, but I was not. Not one bit.

     Anyway, that’s not the real focus of this devotion. Why I started this devotion off with that quote was because Jo’s declaration resounded with me. To the bones. As someone who is perpetually single, I’ve learned plenty of lessons about “dealing” with singlehood. I say this a bit snarkily, actually, because I’ve come to loathe how being single is treated as a disease. Relationships are not the end-all, be-all of a person. We are unique individuals with talents, passions, and God-given dignity and worth that is not derived from whether or not we are loved or love others romantically. And too often, I see people snuff out their own lights and desires to chase after a love that will never fulfill them like their fantasy assumes.

     In that sense, I don’t want a relationship.

     I don’t want to sacrifice a part of myself or to act as if I am missing my “better half.” No. I may be missing my “soul mate,” but I am not missing part of myself because I am single. I am still a whole, unique individual, who is blossoming as God made me. And if, in the future, I find out that He has made someone else who will encourage my passions, who will help me to grow, who will run a race with me and point me towards Christ, whose worship is tangible enough to see, whose heart beats only for God-- not just me-- then I will know that this is what will help both of us to pursue God. Not something that is purely carnal or will drag me down as I worship an idol of love that I have made in my head instead of my Savior.

     But, like any human being, I believe loneliness is inevitable.

     Now please don’t assume that I’m moping or sad or constantly depressed because I haven’t found this soul mate yet. No, this isn’t that kind of moaning loneliness. It is just a desire, an ache, for what God has planned for in the future, what He’s written in my storybook, but I’m on the page I’m at and can’t flip ahead and see when or if the prince comes or the plot twists that are in store. It’s a hopeful loneliness. The loneliness that one day, I will love someone, quirks and flaws and all.

     And, most of all, in this hopeful loneliness, I find a point. A reason, if you will, that I should be single.

     Because God is trying to teach me, as, I believe, He is trying to teach everyone in one way or another, to be thankful for each moment spent in this time of my life. Each moment spent in singlehood.

     “How can I do that, when all I want is to be in a relationship?” you might ask.

     A fair point.

     Because in this singlehood, too many of us consider it a time of “waiting.” And it is, in a bit, but it’s something far more holy beyond that. If singlehood is done right, then every moment spent apart from your future spouse is a moment that they are spent training with God. If you met them now, before they are through the “boot camp” of whatever He needs them to be, then they would only be half-ready. They may not be equipped to handle whatever your lives together may be. They may not be the man or husband that they will eventually become, a man of God, of integrity, with so many life lessons under their belt that they are ready to face anything by knowing that their power comes when they are on their knees at the foot of the Cross. (I write all this about men because, obviously, that’s what my prayers are mostly about. However, if you’re a dude and you’ve somehow made it through all this sappy nonsense and quotes about Little Women, congratulations, and also, wow. And just replace any husband references or whatever with wife and whatnot. You’re smart enough to know what I mean.)

     And what about you? You may not be the woman (or man) of God that you will someday be. Maybe there are still lessons that God wishes to teach you. He knows that there is something else you need to learn, if only you’ll listen to Him and not bemoan every second spent waiting.

     Instead of being impatient in the waiting, be thankful for the time that you can spend fixed wholly on God.

    And that brings me to my next point. I can’t take credit for this idea-- I stole it from one of many of my favorite authors, Robin Jones Gunn (and if she borrowed the idea from someone else, I can’t say). But I love the intentionality that she has whenever her characters pray for their future husbands. It isn’t just a one-off prayer. These girls are becoming prayer warriors for a man that they may have not even met yet. And really, by doing that, you’re already giving your marriage one leg up on the competition.

     Pray for your future husband. Pray hard. Because life is a war-zone, and they can’t survive without it. 

     Even if you have no clue who you are praying for, even if you don’t know what to pray for-- pray. Pray with what God is putting on your heart. Pray furiously. Pray intentionally. Pray that they train well, that they put God above all things, that they worship wholeheartedly-- whatever. I’m not here to tell you how to pray. Just know that, like all things, you must pray. God is listening. God knows His plan for you and He wants to talk to you. And He’ll help the man you marry become someone you want to marry.

     And, finally, enjoy your time with God to grow yourself.

     Like I briefly touched on before, none of us are perfect. But God has us in this time to teach us lessons if only we’ll listen to Him. Like I’ve talked about before in “This is Your Promised Land,” we can rush through life and ignore God’s lessons. Many people do. We can get so caught up in our loneliness that we disregard the sacredness of this time with our Heavenly Father. God isn’t going to withhold something from you if you do; however, it may be years before you finally learn what He was trying to teach you all along. Maybe not until after you hit rock bottom. Or maybe God wants to send you to rock bottom to build you back up to the woman (or man) you’re meant to be.

     So don’t wish away this time. Grow yourself. Know yourself. Make lifelong friends, cherish Christ as never before. Find your worth, passion, and desire in Him. Because every moment, no matter how small, will never happen again. Live in each and every one of them, dance amongst the lines of your story, and don’t try to turn the page until God does. Trust me. God has wonderful, scintillating, magical things planned for you, if only you’ll trust Him and pray with your whole heart.

Growth

     For the past two years, I’ve been doing something that I’ve really come to treasure. It didn’t start out as intentional, and it’s not up to me, really. But since 2018, I’ve been feeling God “labeling” the years with what I need to learn.
     It wasn’t something that was my idea. Instead, it was more of a slow revelation that, as I was praying, as I was reading, one word kept sticking out to me. The first word was “bold.” As 2 Timothy 1:7 says, “For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.” I needed to shed some of my timidness and become bolder for the sake of Christ.
     This all happened around spring-summer 2018. And, though they may seem small to other people, God and I made many bold choices that year. I went to Hong Kong on a mission trip and sang in front of a lot of people. That wasn’t easy for me, mostly because I’m terrified to put myself out there because I’m so terrified of messing up and making an idiot of myself.
     And in January 2019, I began a mentorship with one of my favorite writers of all time, Nancy Rue. That was also another bold step for me because, once again, I was terrified. I’m terrified of people seeing my writing (which...is somewhat of a necessity if I want to be a writer) and finding nothing of value in it. I’m embarrassed that nothing will ever be perfect or good enough, so showing it to someone who I’ve literally admired since my childhood was equal parts exhilarating and petrifying. But I have no regret for that bold choice. Together with Nancy, I finished a trilogy that had been with me since I was around 16. These characters have annoyed me for so long, and finally, they’re ready to go into the world and annoy all of you. Nancy encouraged me, taught me, edited me, and cheered me on to the finish. I’m so glad fear didn’t steal that opportunity from me.
     2018-19 were nothing but filled with bold choices as I rushed into the unknown: I left my job and started a new one. I spoke my mind about things that I thought were worth the fight. And, when some things proved to not be worth the fight, I was able to pull away and speak for myself. None of these things did I expect to do. It was a season filled with prayer, with tension, with choices.
     It all culminated in October, when I struck out for adventure and flew to California all by myself to see my friends. This was a leap. Even when I went to Hong Kong, I had other people surrounding me, even if they were near-strangers. I went cross-country all by myself. If I died, it would be all on me. And you know what? I survived. Take that, negative self-speak that says I’m not capable.
     I was bold.
     It was then that I felt God closing that chapter in my life. There was a new word that He had in store for me: “growth.” Jesus describes us as branches and that He is the vine. During this season, that image is really striking to me. I imagine myself as a plant, reaching towards Heaven, reaching for whatever God has next to me. But I need to be pruned as well. Growth only happens when the dead has been trimmed away (or so I have been told whenever I’ve been reluctant to let go of my long mermaid locks).
     So prune I did. Pruning I am. (Just say that in a Yoda voice. It makes sense, I promise.) And with each time I tore something off that I thought was vital to live, I realized that God had been trying to lead me into a land of lushness all along.
     But growing is scary. I don’t know exactly all God has planned for me, or how long this period will last. I don’t know what all will have to go. Maybe I’ll need to be replanted; maybe I’ll experience frost. But maybe, at the end of it all, I’ll be closer to the woman that God wants me to be. All I know is that I must do the next right thing in this year, when I’m trying to grow my spiritual life, live with intentionality, pray without ceasing, and read my Bible every day of the year. I’ll surrender control with every breath I take. I won’t tell God which way I need to grow. I won’t give Him helpful suggestions. I’ll be grateful for what I have and appreciative of the lessons that I’ll learn, because I know at the end, my vines will burst into bloom.
     So, you may be wondering, what am I trying to impart to you with this devotion? Actually, not as much as you might think. I don’t assume that God wants you to label your life as I have labeled mine. No, from the moment I set out, I knew only one thing: that this devotion was a glimpse into my life, into my year, in hopes that something in here will inspire you. That God might whisper something to you that is just between you two. That He has goodness set apart for you. So cast aside your fear. Close your eyes. Raise your hands, your heart, and your worship to the God that is waiting to wrap you in His embrace and talk with you. Trust me, you’ll never regret the time you spend conversing with the God of the universe.
     Happy 2020. I wish you all a year of growth. ♥

Make It Rain

     Geeky confession: I love the show Quantum Leap. If you don’t know what it is, first of all, shame on you (just kidding), but here’s the basics: it’s a sci-fi show about Sam Beckett who, due to a physics project, "leaps" to different people within his lifetime to fix what has gone wrong. Sam is accompanied by Al, his best friend who is a hologram, visible only to Sam. They’re a perfect duo: Al is a cigar-smoking womanizer (whose reasons for being emotionally stunted are revisited in several episodes that make me sob), but is completely loyal to Sam, even if he thinks his best friend is a tad bit too idealistic. Sam, meanwhile, is the ultimate hero: selfless, kind, generous...he can sing, dance, and if you don’t believe me, please take a gander at this song, and you’re welcome.

     Ahem. Back to the real issue at hand.

     One of the reasons that I love Quantum Leap is that it isn’t afraid to pose philosophical questions. Agree or disagree with the conclusions, at least they ask the questions. And one that the show revisits several times is quite profound: could God be in control of Sam’s leaps? 

     That question is at the forefront of “A Single Drop of Rain.” In Sam’s “real life,” he was raised as a farmer in Indiana. In this “leap,” he ends up inhabiting the body of a two-bit shyster who claims that he can "make it rain" to this tiny, drought-ridden country town. Sam, ever the good guy, hates this person. He hates how this person is peddling false hope and promising these good farmers that he can do the impossible-- make it rain. Sam is convinced that, somehow, in some way he can't foresee, he has to make it rain, or else these people will be stuck in a drought and their lives will be ruined.

     Al, though, isn't too convinced. See, in the original timeline, the man that Sam now inhabits ran off with his brother's wife. Al is convinced that all Sam needs to do-- what seems so inauspicious to Sam-- is simply make sure that the guy's brother and wife stay together. That she never runs away with the two-bit shyster.

     Sam can't believe his mission is that simple. He is sure that he is to make it rain, that he has to somehow has to do the impossible.

     Of course, Sam can't.

     So he pours himself into building a machine that will somehow make it rain. He’s a scientist. He’s brilliant. He invented a project that let him leap through time, after all! Using his strength and his intelligence, he’ll right this wrong and make it rain. And Al? Well, Al is no help. He’s insistent that all Sam has to do is fix the marriage of the shyster’s brother and wife. But that can’t be Sam’s mission. It’s too trivial. It’s not important. Sam’s job is to make it rain.

     But, see, there’s this thing that happens when we try to do the impossible all on our own merits. We often find ourselves at the end of our ropes, drowning in everything that we feel we must accomplish but are unequipped to do. And Sam reaches that point. Everything he’s tried to do has failed and backfired. He goes out to walk in the field, alone, crushed, a failure. He can’t help these people. He can’t do what they need most.

     He’s broken.

     And as he’s walking in this field, he starts to pray.

     This isn’t your typical prayer. Sam is frustrated. He believes God has brought him here to do the impossible, that God’s put too much on him. Sam unleashes his anger on God, confused, lost, and seeking the answer. He ends the prayer like this: “I don't know how to do this one. I mean, You gotta help me…You make it rain. You hear me? You make it rain!”

     Sam goes home.

     He gives in.

     He finally helps the brother and his wife make up.

     He does his part, by, ironically, getting into a fight with the brother and pointing out how he's neglecting his wife, being rude to her, and how he needs to straighten up and actually love her. Of course, the husband doesn't like this. They get into a fist-fight.

     But it works.

     Everyone makes up.

     And just as Sam has completed his mission, it rains.

     God comes through.

     He made it rain.

     Isn’t this a wonderful example of our lives?

     We think we know exactly what to do. We try and solve the world’s problems, we try and take everything upon ourselves as if it all depends on us. On what we can do, on our skills, on our finite minds. We know what we want to happen, and we plot out a path to get from A to B. And, even if we don’t mean to, sometimes we can remove God from the equation. We may still say, “God is in charge,” or “God will come through,” but we act as if He’s not going to do anything.

     And when the troubles come, whatever struggles we go through, how do we respond? Do we plod on with our own strength, or do we trust that God will come through?

     That may be fine and dandy, you think, but nothing will get done if I’m static. If I don’t move at all. 

     And you’re exactly right.

     God didn’t call Sam to just plop down and watch things play out. No, God gave Sam an active part in His plan, just as He gives us. All He asks us is to move forward, to do the next right thing, the next thing He has planned for us. God gives us things we can do, while He works on the things we can’t.

     The simple truth: we can't make it rain. Sam can't make it rain. But God didn't ask him to, either. Just like God doesn't ask us.

     Whenever you're feeling stressed, when things are spinning out of your control, and you know what needs to be done but you're unable to follow through, do what Sam does. Pray. Scream. Beg. Argue. God can handle it. He wouldn't be God if He wasn't big enough to handle our questions and arguments. And through it all, He's just whispering, "It's okay. I'm here. I'll make it rain. Just do what you can do. That's all I ask."

     And then, at the end of the day, do what God calls you to do, the small, the insignificant, the simple breath of a prayer where you say: “Okay, God. I believe. Forgive me of my unbelief.”

     Because God makes it rain. Not us.