Feed My Sheep

      Have you ever thought about the life of Peter? I have. Actually, Peter has long been my favorite disciple. I know, it's pretty weird to have a favorite disciple, but he's so much cooler than John or James or (pffffft) Bartholomew. 

     In all actuality, I love Peter because he reminds me of...me. I relate to him. We give things 150% and usually think before we speak. There's only so many times one person can put their foot in their own mouth, but Peter and I both seem to have a penchant for doing it. 

     I also struggle with perfectionism. Perhaps in no area am I so unwilling to accept a flaw in myself as in my faith. Every little mistake, every sin--I am my own worst critic. I berate myself, constantly look for flaws in myself...constantly think that God is mad at me (for whatever reason it may be this time).

     In my mind, I sometimes see God tallying up my heart-- "well, she did (fill in blank here) longer than she read her Bible. She definitely doesn't put me first. She's going to Hell." It seems so ridiculous put out on paper that I want to laugh at myself, but the sickening, tight feeling in my throats reminds me "this is exactly how I think." 

     She watched TV.  (Punishment: Hell.)

     She forgot to pray. (Punishment: Hell.)

     She thought about kissing and love in generally. (Gasp!) (Punishment: Hell.)

     Perhaps my life can best be summed up like this: "trying my best to avoid punishment since 1995." My first thoughts whenever I do something are: "will I get punished for this?" With nearly every action, every thought, I feel like there's a monkey on my back, chanting,

     "Pun-ish-ment, pun-ish-ment, pun-ish-ment!" It's going to get me, it's going to catch up, I will never be perfect, I will never make anyone happy...

     ....

     Then we have Peter. If anyone deserved punishment, it was Peter. If anyone deserved condemnation from God, it was Peter. But instead of seeing an angry, condescending Jesus in each of these scenes I'm about to mention, try to picture Jesus with kind, sympathetic eyes.

     Peter, letting fear overwhelm him on the water and sinking.

     "Peter. Don't doubt." Kind, sympathetic...encouraging. 

     Peter, cutting off the ear of a soldier. 

     "Peter." Kind, sympathetic...understanding. 

     Peter, denying Christ three times. 

     "Peter." Kind, sympathetic...forgiving.

     "Peter, do you love me?" Jesus didn't have to ask Peter this question. I feel like, you know, since He's Jesus, He already knew Peter's heart. Which is precisely why Jesus DID ask the question, to give Peter time to repent. To give him healing...because, maybe, just maybe, Peter couldn't get over his own sin. I mean, who can just "get over" denying your friend, your Savior, right before He's crucified? I can hardly get over when someone yells at me for doing something slightly wrong. 

     Denying my Savior? You better bet I'd still be thinking about it, especially when the Person I wounded was right there in front of me.

     Two more times. "Peter, do you love me?"

     Then Peter was hurt. Why? Because he knew his guilt. He knew why Jesus was asking (or so he thought). He knew WHY Jesus "doubted" him. I don't think Peter was upset with Jesus. I think he was upset with himself, that his devotion warranted such "disbelief."

     "You know I do, Lord."

     "Feed

     My

     Sheep."

     That's all. Jesus didn't call Peter out on his sin. He didn't even address it by name, shame him. In fact, if the other disciples were listening, they'd probably wonder what the heck was going on. Instead, Jesus and Peter shared a powerful moment, a powerful, forgiving moment, without any shame.

     And you know what?

     It didn't end there.

     Oh, sure. That could be called "conjecture," since we don't know if or what other sins Peter committed. But, since he was human, I know he did. Even though his zeal for Christ had been renewed, Peter still had a sinful nature. Given his previous brash behavior, perhaps it wasn't even too long before he got in "trouble" again. 

     But no matter how many times, no matter what the sin...

     Those kind, sympathetic eyes still turned towards Peter, free of judgment. "Do you love me?"

     "You know I do, Lord."

     Forgiveness. 

     Every. 

     Single. 

     Time.