Which Son Are You?

      Today, I want to take a look at one of Jesus’s most well-known parables: The Prodigal Son. The version I’ll look at today comes specifically from Luke 15. I’ll paste the parable in its entirety here, or you can go read it for yourself in your own Bible.

“To illustrate the point further, Jesus told them this story: “A man had two sons. The younger son told his father, ‘I want my share of your estate now before you die.’ So his father agreed to divide his wealth between his sons. “A few days later this younger son packed all his belongings and moved to a distant land, and there he wasted all his money in wild living. About the time his money ran out, a great famine swept over the land, and he began to starve. He persuaded a local farmer to hire him, and the man sent him into his fields to feed the pigs. The young man became so hungry that even the pods he was feeding the pigs looked good to him. But no one gave him anything. “When he finally came to his senses, he said to himself, ‘At home even the hired servants have food enough to spare, and here I am dying of hunger! I will go home to my father and say, “Father, I have sinned against both heaven and you, and I am no longer worthy of being called your son. Please take me on as a hired servant.”’ “So he returned home to his father. And while he was still a long way off, his father saw him coming. Filled with love and compassion, he ran to his son, embraced him, and kissed him. His son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against both heaven and you, and I am no longer worthy of being called your son. ’ “But his father said to the servants, ‘Quick! Bring the finest robe in the house and put it on him. Get a ring for his finger and sandals for his feet. And kill the calf we have been fattening. We must celebrate with a feast, for this son of mine was dead and has now returned to life. He was lost, but now he is found.’ So the party began. “Meanwhile, the older son was in the fields working. When he returned home, he heard music and dancing in the house, and he asked one of the servants what was going on. ‘Your brother is back,’ he was told, ‘and your father has killed the fattened calf. We are celebrating because of his safe return.’ “The older brother was angry and wouldn’t go in. His father came out and begged him, but he replied, ‘All these years I’ve slaved for you and never once refused to do a single thing you told me to. And in all that time you never gave me even one young goat for a feast with my friends. Yet when this son of yours comes back after squandering your money on prostitutes, you celebrate by killing the fattened calf!’ “His father said to him, ‘Look, dear son, you have always stayed by me, and everything I have is yours. We had to celebrate this happy day. For your brother was dead and has come back to life! He was lost, but now he is found!’””

‭‭Luke‬ ‭15:11-32‬ 

     Now, whenever I see or hear discussions on this parable, they tend to focus on the eponymous character, aka the son that wandered away. And this character really resonates with a lot of people, because many people have points where they have left the church, had “big sins” against God, and then wandered back at their lowest point looking for restoration.

     But for me, personally, I’ve always related to the other son more. You know, the son that stayed. In today’s world, they would probably be the “churchies,” or the people that seem to lack a testimony besides: “Um, I grew up in church, I was baptized at a young age, and...I’m still in church.”

     But the beautiful part about Jesus’s parable isn’t that one son is wicked and one son is good; it isn’t even that one son is undeserving and the other is deserving. No, I think that Jesus subtly wove a message into His parable here that most people gloss over.

     Because the son that stayed also wandered away from God.

     No, he may have never left physically, but let’s look at his words and actions: he was angry with his father. He felt jaded, like he hadn’t gotten his just reward, and that his father was rewarding the “wicked” brother. He was prideful and resentful, and we can see that his heart had wandered away from that of his compassionate father’s.

     So why the prodigal son’s sins were more “external”—he slept with prostitutes, squandered his money, and broke his family’s heart—the remaining son’s sins were more…“internal.”

• He was angry with his father—are we angry with God?

• Now, I am a firm believer in the fact that we are allowed to get angry with God. If God couldn’t handle our anger, then He would be a very...fragile God. Job was certainly angry at God, and God didn’t strike him dead. He gave him a good kick in the pants, but God was still understanding throughout His reply. But the problem often comes when we let this anger fester in our hearts and drive a wedge between ourselves and God. There was clearly a wedge between the remaining son and his father at this point. He wasn’t happy for his brother and he thought his father was being unjust. If anger at God is left unchecked, then it often makes people walk away from Christianity, shake their fists up at the sky, and wonder how such a cruel, heartless God would exist, and, if He does, how they would never want to serve Him. Anger can destroy human relationships, which is why the Bible tells us to not let the sun go down on our anger (Ephesians 4:26). Doesn’t it seem to make sense that anger could ruin our spiritual relationship as well?

• He felt jaded, like he hadn’t gotten his just reward—what do we think God owes us?

• This is a hard pill to swallow, because everything in human nature seems to think: “If I am a good person and do A, B, and C, then I’ll be rewarded.” We can also see it whenever a disaster happens: people will try and rationalize their way around it, which can lead a bit to “victim shaming,” but I see it more as a coping mechanism. People don’t like how random rape or murder or freak accidents seem, so they apply logical situations to them: “She was raped because of what she wore. He was murdered because he did something wrong 34 years ago. That freak accident occurred because that person did something stupid.” So as long as we avoid wearing these things, avoid doing bad things 34 years ago, and don’t be stupid, then nothing bad can happen to us. That takes the “random” out of disasters, the unpredictable bit of life. As long as we do good, safe, smart things, we will be rewarded. To transfer this into a Christian viewpoint, as long as we serve God, say our prayers, read our Bible, and follow Him, then nothing bad will happen to us. After all, isn’t that what the son did? He did “everything his father asked of him.” He dotted all his i’s and crossed all his t’s. He thought that there should be a reward in it because he did that—and that’s the way we often think. We think that God will magically “owe” us something if we do everything that He says, and feel neglected, jaded, and, yes, angry, when our reward isn’t forthcoming. 

• He had a negative opinion of his brother and thought that he was much better than him—how do we compare ourselves to those that commit the “big sins,” those “external” prodigal son sins?

• Look at the shade and attitude the remaining son throws at his brother: “when this son of yours comes back…” Not “my brother.” No, this is the equivalent of an exasperated (and maybe slightly irritated) parent saying to their spouse: “Well, he’s YOUR SON (or daughter)! He (or she) gets this from you.” I can just hear the remaining son saying this with some sass, maybe adding an eye roll and some angry hand gestures. He thought that he was much better than his brother—and why did his father not recognize this? Why did he not pat him on the back? Let’s put this in modern terms. This is like the Christian who has always been a Christian looking down their noses at the Christian that used to be a sex addict. Who used to be in jail. Who murdered someone. Who struggles with homosexuality. Who committed adultery. Who used to be addicted to pornography. Who used to be a raging alcoholic. Those “big sins” that are hot button issues today. There is some part of us that compares ourselves to them and whispers thankfully, “oh, thank goodness I’m not them. Thank goodness I’ve never done that. I’ve been a good little boy or girl, haven’t I, God?” Jesus talks about that again in Luke 18:9-14, in the prayers of the hypocrite and the tax collector (or, to put it into modern day terms, how about a priest and a pimp?). Our words and attitudes can reveal a lot about ourselves, and sometimes, we (along with the remaining son) struggle with thinking better of ourselves than we ought, just because we haven’t ever committed a huge “external” sin.

• These two last points come together as: the remaining son was prideful and resentful—not realizing that he himself was also a sinner and that everything his father already had was his.

• The father flat out tells the son here that everything he has, has always been the remaining son’s to take, but it hasn’t been good enough. No, pride blinds the remaining son and won’t allow him to be content with the good life that he has. Pride blinds the son to all his gifts and makes him resentful to what he doesn’t have. Why should he rejoice over his brother coming back? He’s never gotten anything special for staying! But by having this attitude, the prodigal son is not only fostering a heart of discontentment, but he’s also not realizing that he’s also a sinner. Without his father, where would he be? He would be homeless, penniless, or, if we want to get really technical, nonexistent! That’s the same with us and God. Even if we’ve been in church all our lives, where would we be without God? If we want to get really technical about it, nonexistent! We all owe just as much to God, regardless of whether our sins are more “external” or more “internal.” Regardless of whether we strayed like the prodigal son or stayed and strayed like the remaining son.

• Finally, the remaining son’s heart was no longer compassionate to those with “external” sins like his brother—how do we treat prodigal sons and daughters of God? Do we have compassion for them?

• Just like how he saw himself as “better” than his brother, the remaining son had no compassion for him. He didn’t feel sorry about the position his brother was in. He didn’t even feel joy that he had returned. All he could think about was his own wants, desires, and pseudo-righteousness. He didn’t run out to his brother to welcome him home, even! He stayed back, seething and wishing that...what? His brother had stayed gone? He had no compassion left in his heart to feel for his brother. In today’s world, that can look like several things. Perhaps it can look like resenting the person who comes back to God after a rough period in their life. Maybe it’s thinking: “that murderer doesn’t deserve to repent. Look at the horrific crime they committed!” Or maybe it’s pointing the finger down at people who we think are “less holy” than us, at people that have messed up and had their “external” sins flaunted for the world to see. A lack of compassion can also crop up in how we treat prodigal sons and daughters of Christ that haven’t repented. That can look like getting into arguments online or in person, calling them names, putting them down, or telling them just how bad their sin is, or how they are going to Hell. Last year, I was talking to my writing mentor, and we discussed the idea of how starting a conversation by telling someone they’re going to Hell is kind of the equivalent of saying, “Hi, my name is Hannah, and did you know that if you murder someone, you’re going to jail?” That isn’t treating someone with compassion. That’s smacking them over the head with your own righteousness and reminding them of their unrighteousness. That’s exactly how the remaining son treated his brother: by throwing his sin back in his face, countering with how good he was, and wanting nothing to do with his returning brother, not while he was caught in his sin and certainly not when he came back. If prodigal sons and daughters of Jesus look at our lives, will they be able to see the compassionate heart of God in us, or will they see only condemnation and contempt?

     So, you see, the prodigal son and the remaining son were both sinners. They both needed their father to heal their sins. Just because someone’s sins are “external” doesn’t mean that they are “bigger” than the “internal” ones that plague us every day. And, in the end, the remaining son’s sins were more devious: their consequences more subtle and he had yet to repent of them, while the prodigal son had. 

     While this could be a depressing note to end on, I want to focus on instead the best news of all: how the father—and how God the Father—reacted to both of the sons.

     With the prodigal son, He offered him forgiveness. He ran out to meet him, arms outstretched. Prodigal sons, take heart! You are never too far away from forgiveness, and there is only love waiting for the repentant child of God. Return to Him and He will take all your sins away. 

     With the remaining son, He offered him forgiveness as well. He called His child “dear one,” not “you hypocrite.” He offered Him love and demonstrated compassion, showing that son how deep the Father’s love is—for everyone, themselves included. Don’t just consider yourself a “slave” to God as that son did—consider yourself a beloved heir, a beloved child. Feel God’s love...and then show God’s love. 

     As Romans 3:23 reminds us, all have sinned. Our sins are just different—some “external,” some “internal.” So, the question of the day: are you the prodigal son, or the remaining son?

Are You Running Hot?

 

(In case you’re wondering, The Time Paradox is my favorite book in the series.)

     I recently completed my first read-through of the entire Artemis Fowl series, so I thought I’d take a little break from writing Little Women-based posts and move on to Artemis Fowl-based posts. 

     (Also, this is not based on the movie. At all.) 

     But I digress.

     In the books, a central plot point is how a fairy, like LEP Officer Holly Short, can only use their magic if they’ve done a Ritual. If they go too long without recharging, then they are effectively useless. And Holly, well, she gets busy sometimes. And other times, she just procrastinates. She knows that she should be doing the Ritual, but Holly always makes up excuses in her head as to why she can’t do it right now. 

     And, of course, this gets her into trouble in multiple instances. There are several points in the story where she runs out of magic at a critical time (okay, maybe this also helps to make the plot more interesting, too, but we won’t talk about that), or someone’s life is put into jeopardy because she doesn’t have her magic. There are also several remarks and questions as to why Holly is never “running hot”—a.k.a., why she is never full of magic. 

     And it occurred to me as I was reading yet another one of Holly’s failures to do the Ritual: isn’t this a lot like prayer? 

     Let me put it like this. 

     Holly needs the Ritual to have any power. Without it, her life gets messy and she makes mistakes that she wouldn’t typically make. In the same way, Christians need prayer to be effective. Without praying, our lives become messy and we make mistakes. Without prayer, we can feel disconnected from God, who is our source of power. 

     But, also like Holly, we can sometimes make excuses for why we don’t need to pray. Maybe our lives are too hectic. Maybe we’ll get to it tomorrow. Maybe we’re too hungry to do it before a meal. Maybe we’re too tired to do it at night and too pressed for time to do it in the morning. But if we have that attitude, like Holly Short often does about her own Ritual, then we’ll find ourselves trapped in the same problems. We’ll grow more distant, more spiritually tired, and it will be easier to fall out of habit with prayer. We’ll start to neglect it merely because it becomes muscle memory to do so.

     So, what do we do to get out of this rut of neglecting prayer?

     Firstly, remember to emphasize its importance.

     Frequently in the Bible we see Jesus would withdraw from crowds to pray, like in Luke 5:15-16. “Yet the news about him spread all the more, so that crowds of people came to hear him and to be healed of their sicknesses. But Jesus often withdrew to lonely places to pray.” Jesus could have easily considered Himself “too busy” to pray, but he placed an emphasis on it that we need to do as well. Jesus was perfect and our example—so, if He considered talking to God that important, then we should as well.

     Secondly, make time for it.

     This point also ties into the last Bible verse. Jesus made time for it because it was important; the vice versa is also true. We have to have a routine and get into a habit of praying. We have to take short little slides of our day and say, “no excuses. I am going to pray here.”

     It doesn’t have to be long chunks of time, either. We’ll get into this more later, but pausing for 5 seconds to say thank you or ask God to help you is just as effective as praying an hour. God will meet you where you are. 

     Lastly, look at how we should be praying.

     During his ministry, Jesus gave some excellent guidelines on prayer. Let’s look at a few of them.

• Don’t babble incessantly like the pagans did to make themselves seem holy or important.

• Don’t do it for attention out in public. (No, this doesn’t mean to NOT pray when you’re in public, but it does mean to NOT make a scene when you pray in public to try and gain attention.)

• “And when you pray, you must not be like the hypocrites. For they love to stand and pray in the synagogues and at the street corners, that they may be seen by others. Truly, I say to you, they have received their reward. But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you. And when you pray, do not keep on babbling like pagans, for they think they will be heard because of their many words. Do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask him.” (Matthew 6:6-8)

• Don’t do it to praise yourself/pat yourself on the back. Don’t compare yourself (or your prayers) to other people. Everyone prays differently, and we shouldn’t criticize people for the way they pray or use it to build ourselves up. (I.E., “I pray for three hours each day, so I’m a much better person than Joe Blow who only prays for a few minutes!”)

• “To some who were confident of their own righteousness and looked down on everyone else, Jesus told this parable: ‘Two men went up to the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. The Pharisee stood by himself and prayed: ‘God, I thank you that I am not like other people—robbers, evildoers, adulterers—or even like this tax collector. I fast twice a week and give a tenth of all I get.’
  ‘But the tax collector stood at a distance. He would not even look up to heaven, but beat his breast and said, ‘God, have mercy on me, a sinner.’
  ‘I tell you that this man, rather than the other, went home justified before God. For all those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted.’” (Luke 18:9-14)

• “Beware of the scribes, who like to walk around in long robes and like greetings in the marketplaces and have the best seats in the synagogues and the places of honor at feasts, who devour widows’ houses and for a pretense make long prayers. They will receive the greater condemnation.” (Mark 12:38-40)

• Don’t pray if you’re holding anger or bitterness in your heart against someone and refuse to forgive them.

• “If you are offering your gift at the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go; first be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.” Matthew 5:23-24

• Don’t just pray with empty words or go through the motions; pray what’s on your heart. 

• Don’t do it just as an obligation or because you think you have to just so you can fulfill some Christian obligation. Do it because you desire it!

• “These people honors me with their lips, but their heart is far from me; in vain do they worship me, teaching as doctrines the commandments of men.” (Mark 7:6-7)

• Don’t get so wrapped up in finding the right words for your request or stressed out that it has to be “perfect.” We have the Holy Spirit, who can help you pray when you can’t figure out what to say. God knows when our hearts our breaking our when our joy overflows and we can’t find the human words to express the language of our souls.

• “Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words.” (Romans 8:26-27)

     Finally, let’s look at Jesus also gave us the model prayer to tell us what was important: “Our Father Who art in Heaven, hallowed be Thy Name. Thy Kingdom come, Thy will be done, on Earth as it is in Heaven. Give us today our daily bread and forgive our debts as we forgive our debtors. Lead us not into temptation but deliver us from the evil one. For Thine is the Kingdom, and the power, and the glory forever. Amen.” We can look at this to find out what we should be praying for:

• Praising/thanking God (hallowed be Thy name/for Thine is the Kingdom)

• Asking for God’s will and praying for the Kingdom of God (Thy Kingdom come...)

• Take care of our day-to-day needs (daily bread)

• Forgiveness (forgive our debts)

• Help us to forgive others (as we forgive our debtors)

• Keep us strong and away from temptation and the devil (lead us not…) 

     Notice that Jesus didn’t give a thirty-page thesis on how to pray. He didn’t say that the length of your prayers equated to holiness, either. His prayer was succinct and taught us what we need to be praying for. God knows our hearts and our prayers and can answer them whether they’re 4 seconds or 4 hours. All we have to do is...pray.

     So, in closing, let me ask you a paraphrase of the question that Holly Short often gets asked: are you running hot on prayer?

Divided We Fall

I've never seen a more divided America in my lifetime.

     Everyone is pitted against everyone else. We are all under the assumption that the other person is wrong, that there is no value to their opinions, that they are idiots for thinking something different than us. We’re a laughingstock to many other nations, and even if there was to be a “unified” America again, what would it look like after this “culture civil war” of types?

     It’s a pity what’s happening to our nation, that no one can sit down and hold conversations and try and work together without calling names.

     In the same way, I’ve never seen more divided Christians in my lifetime. 

     Every denomination—every political party within the church—is pitted against everyone else. We are all under the assumption that the other sect, the other person is wrong, that there is no value in their opinions, that they are hell-bound idiots for thinking something different than us. We’re a laughingstock to many other people—mostly, atheists—and even if there was to be a “unified” church again, what would it look like after this “culture civil war” of types? 

     It’s a pity what’s happening to our faith, that no one can sit down and hold conversations and try and work together without calling names.

     I love America, but I weep more when I read online comments that say: “I don’t know why I should believe in Christianity when the Christians themselves can’t agree on anything.” 

     Which is a true story—I saw that comment years ago and haven’t ever been able to shake it since.

     We are losing our witness due to our constant fighting and denominations!

Just like in Captain America: Civil War, the Avengers fell apart because they couldn't agree. Whatever good they accomplish was suddenly sidelined by bickering, backstabbing, and betrayal. Their mission and members were compromised, and because of that, they weren't ready to present a unified front when the real enemy, Thanos, appeared.

     And this isn’t a current problem. This was a problem even back when the apostles themselves were still around, and they talked to Jesus firsthand in His earthly body. 1 Corinthians 3:4-9 says this:  “For when one says, ‘I follow Paul,’ and another, ‘I follow Apollos,’ are you not mere human beings?

     What, after all, is Apollos? And what is Paul? Only servants, through whom you came to believe—as the Lord has assigned to each his task. I planted the seed, Apollos watered it, but God has been making it grow. So neither the one who plants nor the one who waters is anything, but only God, who makes things grow. The one who plants and the one who waters have one purpose, and they will each be rewarded according to their own labor. For we are co-workers in God’s service; you are God’s field, God’s building.” 

     Even back in the early church, people were wanting to split apart: one to follow Paul, one to follow Apollos, and later on, some to follow Peter or any of the other disciples. But Paul says firmly here: we should not have this division! We should be united as Christians, with a solid, unified message...but even our message about salvation is mixed. What you hear in one church isn’t congruent with another church, and that leads people to think that everyone that doesn’t follow the exact creed and dogma and denomination that they do is a hell-bound sinner—unless, of course, they turn around and start to think like you!

     “Okay, then, what’s your idea? Everyone turn around and believe like you?” you might ask me. 

     Well, no. Not like me. I think that everyone should turn around and read the Bible and believe like Jesus did. 

     I am not perfect—but He is. 

     I don’t know everything—but He does. 

     I can’t tell someone they are or aren’t going to Hell—only He can. 

     Anything I say with authority doesn’t come from me. It comes from God. And the only foolproof thing that we can base our faith on is the Bible. It is inerrant; it is the Holy Word of God; it is what we can base our lives on. 

     And it encourages us to try and get along with one another—not just in interpersonal relationships, but in doctrine as well. 

     Ephesians 4:1-6 says this: “As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace. There is one body and one Spirit, just as you were called to one hope when you were called; one Lord, one faith, one baptism; one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all.”

     So, according to these verses, let’s look at some characteristics true Christianity will have:

• Humility

• Gentleness

• Patience

• Love

• Peace

     And what we are supposed to focus on—the things we should be unifed about: 

• One Body (one church of Christ)

• One Spirit (the same Holy Spirit in all of us) 

• One Hope (hope of life in Jesus Christ) 

• One Lord (well...this is self-explanatory!)

• One Faith (faith that Jesus is the Christ, the Son of the Living God)

• One Baptism (we are all baptized into family of God) 

• One God the Father (there aren’t multiple gods)

     When we break it down like that, it doesn’t sound so divisive, does it? And if we all approached each other with a bit of humility, gentleness, and most of all, love and peace, then we would have a much easier time presenting a cohesive message to unbelievers out there. We would be able to get our message back to its simplest form, found in John 3:16-17: “For God so loved the world He gave His One and Only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have everlasting life. For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn it but to save the world through Him.”

     And what happens if we fail to present a cohesive message for salvation? We isolate people. We lose doctrine. We lose what gives Christianity its power in the first place. When we start to become more like the world, then we become less like Christ: whether it is by compromising Biblical authority, by arguing with each other, or by confusing Christians, both new and old.

     Again, this isn’t a new struggle. Unity is written about many times, and it wouldn’t have been spoken about if it wasn’t an issue that people were having.

• 1 Corinthians 1:10: “I appeal to you, brothers, by the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that all of you agree, and that there be no divisions among you, but that you be united in the same mind and the same judgment.”

• 1 Peter 3:8: “Finally, all of you, have unity of mind, sympathy, brotherly love, a tender heart, and a humble mind.”

• Philippians 2:2: “Complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind.”

• Colossians 3:14: “And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.”

• 2 Corinthians 13:11: “Finally, brothers, rejoice. Aim for restoration, comfort one another, agree with one another, live in peace; and the God of love and peace will be with you.”

     I could go on and on and copy and paste a thousand Bible verses that all speak of this same thing. But you get the gist: we are to live together in peace. Accept each other. Love each other. Be brothers and sisters in Christ to each other. Don’t isolate each other from the body of Christ. Don’t become so prideful or insist that we are right that we lose sight of what’s actually important: that Jesus is right!

     And while I’m not saying that we should tolerate heresy or blatantly false doctrine (like someone claiming to be a Christian that says Jesus was just a good teacher or something similar), let’s do what 2 Corinthians 13:11 says and aim for restoration. The beautiful thing is that, if we all go back to the Bible—and not just what we think or feel—then everything becomes much clearer. If we all aim for restoration, then Christianity will flourish and a cohesive message will be presented. If we all just love a bit more, then Christianity will flourish and people will recognize our hearts and see our light.

     Let me leave you with a final thought that’s actually not mine at all. 

     I work for an English teaching company, and one of my fellow teachers said this while trying to be humorous in an otherwise loaded discussion: “...and if you look to your left, you’ll see a hill I’d rather not die on today.” (I take no credit for his words, but I did find them hilarious and wise.)

     What if we have this attitude with issues that aren’t imperative to our faith? Okay, so you like Christian rap music and I prefer hymns—this is a hill I would rather not die on today. (Instead of sending someone to Hell because of their music preferences.) Okay, so you prefer to dress a different way than me—this is a hill I would rather not die on today. You think we shouldn’t have music at all in church—this is a hill I would rather not die on today. 

     And why? 

     Because this is the hill that I would rather not the Gospel die on today.

     Instead, I want, if at possible, to live in peace with my brothers and sisters in Christ, so that the Gospel is on the forefront: not our own squabbles.

One Honest Conversation

Jo March: The world will forget that you’ve ever even lived.

Friedrich Bhaer: I’m sure they will.

Jo March: But I… No one will forget Jo March.

Friedrich Bhaer: I can believe it.

     Before you ask: yes, this is another devotion (or soul-search, I’m not quite sure what this will evolve into) based off the 2019 adaptation of Little Women. Because it is, hands down, one of the best movies that I have ever seen and resonates with me on so many levels, and if you still haven’t seen it, do yourself a favor and go watch it. 

     Done yet? 

     Good. 

     Now, onward we go.

     This is, essentially, a “Part 2” of my “Big Things” devotion (see: If I Can Stop One Heart From Breaking). This is where I will divulge something that I loathe to say out loud, which cuts to my core, but I’ll speak it in honesty. 

     I relate to Jo’s line to a scary degree. 

     Somewhere, something deep inside of me, craves to be remembered by the world. I’m not sure if this desire has always been there and I have ignored it, or if it’s something that’s come about lately. Looking back, as I probe my soul, I feel like it has always been there, but I’m hyper-aware of it now, and it terrifies me. 

     Why?

     Because I know it’s pride.

     I desire to do big things because I refuse to be ordinary. I refuse to be mundane or forgotten. And, if I’m being honest, sometimes it terrifies me that I might be. That I may waste my life and accomplish nothing. I want to strive for all my dreams, strive for what I desire, and for so long, I thought that it would be God’s will. 

     Not that I would be remembered—like I said, I haven’t consciously acknowledged that thought much before—but that God’s will would line up with mine. I wanted to serve Him with my writing. I wanted to have an audience, have a platform, publish my books and devotions. But after so many rejections, I begin to wonder: is this not God’s will? Should I give up writing? But what then? I have no other talents to pursue. Nothing that will help me get a “real job” or flourish in the real world. No, if I give up on writing, then the future I foresee is what has always been: I will always be the same, stuck in the rut, at my same job, in my same house, all by my single self, for as long as I alone shall live. I have no other dreams, save one…

     And that, of course, is to eventually have a place and a husband of my own. But I also don’t foresee that changing, either. Everyone in my small town is either married already or not a Christian it seems like. All my opportunities have fizzled out by my own hand, though I can’t say I regret them. In more ways than one, I’m like Jo and her mixed desire for freedom but also the loneliness it brings. I worry that the idea of love I have in my head isn’t what true love really is. I’m not expecting a fairy tale, but I am expecting something more than what I’ve experienced so far. 

     But what if that’s completely off the mark, and I’m self-sabotaging myself? 

     This is my dilemma, explained in the most basic of means. My desires vs. reality vs. my sin vs. God’s will. And how does this all work together? 

     In essence, it makes me wonder what I have to do to get God to give me what I want. 

     And that, as we all know, isn’t a healthy attitude to have. God does not have to give me anything I want. Which is why this is also a “Part 2” of my devotion on “Good Things.” In that devotion, I expressed my thoughts (or questions) about how much we actually should ask God for. How many of our own desires do we have to surrender? How do we accept the fact that God will (and does) say no—a counter that view with the knowledge that He is also a God that cares?

     Take, for example, my dream of writing. My only dream. Since I was a kid, there is nothing else that I have wanted to be, except for that brief time that I thought about being a massage therapist, until I realized that some people have gross backs. I have tried repeatedly to get published, to get an agent, to get sales or an audience, but none of the doors are easy or seem to be opening. No one, it feels like, is stepping up to help me or moving the mountains that I want to be moved. (Yes, you probably are thinking of this Lauren Daigle song.) 

     (And, to those who have helped me out, I am extremely grateful. This is in no way meant as a lashing out at people that have encouraged me, read my writings, commented, etc. These are my darkest thoughts; I am exceedingly grateful and blessed beyond words for everyone’s help, so don’t take that as personal attack. I do see what you’re doing and I appreciate it more than you can even fathom.) 

     Yet, God is demolishing these obstacles for other people. So, they must be better than me. They must have their acts together in a way that I haven’t been able to yet. They must not have this pride inside them, this desire to be remembered. I thought I wanted to serve God, but what if He knew all along that what I wanted were fame and fortune? What if He is trying to weed these impurities out me before He opens these doors? 

     But I don’t know how to get these desires out of me. I don’t know how to stop these thoughts from intruding, although I try not to linger on them. But the desire is there and I can’t deny it. So, how do these other people become so perfect, weed out their imperfections? 

     On to the second conundrum: in “This is Your Promised Land,” I touted how God wants us to be happy in the season that we are in. And, though I have struggled with singleness from time to time, I had come to a reasonably healthy view of it (I thought). I was content to wait, to be single, knowing that God had good things for me. But, as I mentioned before, my word for this year was “growth.” So perhaps I set myself off down a rabbit trail, but I began to wonder: am I only content because I have hope that this will happen? That God will somehow bow to my whims? Am I putting too much emphasis on getting married, on finding this love? Am I making it an idol before God?

     So I tried to strip this desire away. I tried to cleanse myself from it, but I only seemed to lose hope...and grow desperate to be out of this phase. I had slipped from a place of reasonable maturity to a place where I was now craving something, anything to happen, so that I could move ahead on this dream, because I’m not getting any younger. 

     So now, because I am in this unhealthy place, will God not answer my prayers until I’m back in a healthy place? But He hadn’t answered them before, either—so does that mean that there was always this hidden, sinful piece in me? That there was always something that I had to do to change to get my prayers answered? 

     But trying to be perfect is so hard, even when I’m trying to lean on God’s power. I don’t want to have to work for my rewards. I don’t want to have to continually get up and battle and fight. I want God to assure me that it’s okay to be imperfect, that He’s not waiting on me to get my act together before he rewards me. 

     But what if He is, because He wants to teach me a lesson?

     How much, exactly, of myself does He want me to sacrifice in my pursuit to follow Him? 

     I know we’re supposed to be emptied of ourselves and filled with God, but then, how much of me will be left? What will make me any different, what will make me special at all, if I lose all the parts of my personality—or, even, what makes up my personality? What if all the things I have been calling my personality are actually false idols that I have put my identity in instead of hinging my identity upon God? What if God calls me to sacrifice everything because I have wrapped my identity in these things: like being a writer, being a wife, etc.? Does that mean that he is waiting for me to un-strip my identity from these things, focus solely and utterly on Him, before He’ll give me anything? (And, yes, I do know Matthew 9:13, where Jesus says that He desires mercy, not sacrifice, but I also know that the very first Commandment of the 10 Commandments says that we aren’t to put other things before God. So we do need to sacrifice some things, if they’re becoming an idol to us.)

     Or will He change my desires and make me not want these things?

     And how do I do such a thing? Trying to lose my personality, psychoanalyzing everything, has left me exhausted, depressed, and on the verge of tears as of late. I feel worn down, completely overwhelmed by my own sin and worthlessness.

     How do we balance this, living life between God’s lessons and God’s grace?

     So, please. Pull up a chair and come and chat. Have you ever been in a similar situation, or can you relate? If you’ve moved past this, please feel free to share your wisdom. Because, as I’ve said before, these devotions aren’t a place for me to preach down to people. They’re a place for us to have honest discussions and for all of us to be honest and help bolster each other. 

Song: 

If We’re Honest by Francesca Battistelli