Growth

     For the past two years, I’ve been doing something that I’ve really come to treasure. It didn’t start out as intentional, and it’s not up to me, really. But since 2018, I’ve been feeling God “labeling” the years with what I need to learn.
     It wasn’t something that was my idea. Instead, it was more of a slow revelation that, as I was praying, as I was reading, one word kept sticking out to me. The first word was “bold.” As 2 Timothy 1:7 says, “For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.” I needed to shed some of my timidness and become bolder for the sake of Christ.
     This all happened around spring-summer 2018. And, though they may seem small to other people, God and I made many bold choices that year. I went to Hong Kong on a mission trip and sang in front of a lot of people. That wasn’t easy for me, mostly because I’m terrified to put myself out there because I’m so terrified of messing up and making an idiot of myself.
     And in January 2019, I began a mentorship with one of my favorite writers of all time, Nancy Rue. That was also another bold step for me because, once again, I was terrified. I’m terrified of people seeing my writing (which...is somewhat of a necessity if I want to be a writer) and finding nothing of value in it. I’m embarrassed that nothing will ever be perfect or good enough, so showing it to someone who I’ve literally admired since my childhood was equal parts exhilarating and petrifying. But I have no regret for that bold choice. Together with Nancy, I finished a trilogy that had been with me since I was around 16. These characters have annoyed me for so long, and finally, they’re ready to go into the world and annoy all of you. Nancy encouraged me, taught me, edited me, and cheered me on to the finish. I’m so glad fear didn’t steal that opportunity from me.
     2018-19 were nothing but filled with bold choices as I rushed into the unknown: I left my job and started a new one. I spoke my mind about things that I thought were worth the fight. And, when some things proved to not be worth the fight, I was able to pull away and speak for myself. None of these things did I expect to do. It was a season filled with prayer, with tension, with choices.
     It all culminated in October, when I struck out for adventure and flew to California all by myself to see my friends. This was a leap. Even when I went to Hong Kong, I had other people surrounding me, even if they were near-strangers. I went cross-country all by myself. If I died, it would be all on me. And you know what? I survived. Take that, negative self-speak that says I’m not capable.
     I was bold.
     It was then that I felt God closing that chapter in my life. There was a new word that He had in store for me: “growth.” Jesus describes us as branches and that He is the vine. During this season, that image is really striking to me. I imagine myself as a plant, reaching towards Heaven, reaching for whatever God has next to me. But I need to be pruned as well. Growth only happens when the dead has been trimmed away (or so I have been told whenever I’ve been reluctant to let go of my long mermaid locks).
     So prune I did. Pruning I am. (Just say that in a Yoda voice. It makes sense, I promise.) And with each time I tore something off that I thought was vital to live, I realized that God had been trying to lead me into a land of lushness all along.
     But growing is scary. I don’t know exactly all God has planned for me, or how long this period will last. I don’t know what all will have to go. Maybe I’ll need to be replanted; maybe I’ll experience frost. But maybe, at the end of it all, I’ll be closer to the woman that God wants me to be. All I know is that I must do the next right thing in this year, when I’m trying to grow my spiritual life, live with intentionality, pray without ceasing, and read my Bible every day of the year. I’ll surrender control with every breath I take. I won’t tell God which way I need to grow. I won’t give Him helpful suggestions. I’ll be grateful for what I have and appreciative of the lessons that I’ll learn, because I know at the end, my vines will burst into bloom.
     So, you may be wondering, what am I trying to impart to you with this devotion? Actually, not as much as you might think. I don’t assume that God wants you to label your life as I have labeled mine. No, from the moment I set out, I knew only one thing: that this devotion was a glimpse into my life, into my year, in hopes that something in here will inspire you. That God might whisper something to you that is just between you two. That He has goodness set apart for you. So cast aside your fear. Close your eyes. Raise your hands, your heart, and your worship to the God that is waiting to wrap you in His embrace and talk with you. Trust me, you’ll never regret the time you spend conversing with the God of the universe.
     Happy 2020. I wish you all a year of growth. ♥